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[14 Aug 2006|03:10pm]
moving to vsfear

new screenname
maggie VS fear

annnnd... you can still get me on lovesecrecy because i still use it. i love it too much not to.
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[03 Aug 2006|05:28pm]
so i guess i'm moving to reno in a while here to go to job corps.

it will be great or something. living in like a dorm area, learning shit.

i think its for like two years.

i find out all the details tomorrow afternoon.
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[17 Jul 2006|01:09pm]
i wont be around for a while. im not sure exactly how long. things are up in the air. i might be getting kicked out.
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[08 Jul 2006|12:47pm]
to sum up the last couple of days.

sitting at the computer, hanging out with my little brother, singing very loud to hellogoodbye and pissing off my parents.

um. GOD I DONNO. i had so much to write a second ago but this blank white space is intimidating.

some pictures. because i was bored yesterday.Collapse )

i miss last summer. everytime i listen to MCS "everything is alright", i think of last summer and driving around with amanda and then the panic concert and that song being stephy's ringtone and spencer laughing when he heard it and saying yeah, he loves that song and everything, but if he hears it one more time he'll go crazy.

and being seventeen and not having to worry about the shit i'm worried about now.

i've decided to go to COMMUNITY college for web design.
and maybe take a science course because sometimes i like science. if i get to choose to take it. :]

EDIT: yeah, my parents are in sedona, arizona this weekend because of their wedding anniversary. so i've got the apartment to myself while my little brother stays with my gramma.
and i'm going to be bored out of my mind because idk. i might go see vance today cause he says he misses me. i think he just wants me to look at his hair and tell him it looks cute. :/
i seriously would give anything to rewind to freshman year and start all over again. still ditch once in a while but maybe not have the deans know my full name and parental phone numbers by heart.
not have them fuck up my english credits, maybe get to take mr kellys american lit class sophomore year like i was supposed to. i think he would've been able to steer me the right way, and i so needed steering in tenth grade. i fucked up a lot of stuff that year. :[
to tell phylicia to GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM JORDAN FUCKFACE, because she went back to him even when he carved some girls name out of his arm and then ACCIDENTALLY stabbed her in the tit, and now she's fucking pregnant and having his baby at the beginning of next month. wtf.
most of all, i'd steer clear of james pierre. because that was a big mistake.
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i can laugh all i want, inside i still am empty [28 Jun 2006|02:27am]


some days i will be walking home or up some stairs and i will stop and think, "it is really fucking pointless to keep going."

or i think about how my mom could've had an abortion

or if i was born into a different family

or if she didn't hate me so much

or if i could just FIX the scar tissue formerly known as my heart.

i am sick of let downs. and i want to meet my real dad and know why he had to be my first let down. that makes me so fucking angry.

oh and im still in florida. we were supposed to leave today, but we had a flight to dc that connected to our flight to vegas, and the dc flight got cancelled because hello all the flooding there. that we didnt know about because we're on vacation and havent watched the news. and i want to be home so i can just kind of curl up in a corner and cry a whole lot.
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[24 Jun 2006|09:15pm]
i have blisters the size of people on my shoulders because i forgot to re-apply sunblock to JUST MY SHOULDERS the other day at the beach. well, and my legs, but they're not half as bad.

we're supposed to be going to the ocean again tomorrow. i will happily go and get more sunburnt and more freckly. :] i don't know why, but i've had a change of heart towards florida.
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[23 Jun 2006|12:04am]
i want to go home.

because even though we're in florida, my stepdad still gets drunk and says really rude things to me.

i want to go home.

because it's still like i don't exist.

everything fucking hurts. my body and my mind and my heart.

things were okay for a minute.

this is how it's going to be forever. in a family that couldn't give two shits less about me, doing absolutely nothing special with my life, being invisible, and being in love with the girl that doesn't love me back and i don't think ever really did.

i'm going to smoke the rest of my pack of cigarettes and hope i just stop breathing while i'm sleeping tonight.

i want to go home.
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[22 Jun 2006|02:58am]
i am in florida. it is cool.

i am sunburnt, it is not cool.
it hurts like a motherfucker.

my legs are on fire. not cool at all.

my thirteen year old cousin is the coolest in the entire world, and hello.
totally looks like a little scene kid. but you can't tell him that, 'cause here it's a total insult to be called scene. he looks about seventeen with his scene little haircut. except he's really short.

so anyway, florida is cool. it's kinda humid.
there are woodpeckers outside. that's weird.

and i kind of miss my computer and my bed and everything. but this is okay. being here, with the three cats and the dog and the two birds and the snake. the snake, which my little cousin feeds frozen baby mice to. ITS FUCKING CREEPY.

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[17 Jun 2006|03:06pm]
so three days until florida.


last night i went out with amanda. first we went over to lisa's and smoked a whole bunch of pot. that was fucking awesome and i loved it. then we went over to brandon's, and EVERYONE was there. like everyone except shorty, and she would've made it just that much better.
but amanda's boyfriend was making his foggy bombs, and i took one.

no clue what was in it, but it was plenty of fun.

uhm what else.

i'm the master of the wicket. or whatever.

oh and my headphones, both pairs, died on me. so i hadn't been using my mp3 player, not that i go anywhere anyway. so i told my stepdad about it, and he was like, "you can use my recording headphones if you want." which are those really huge headphones that cover your entire ear and have awesome sound.

that was such a meaningful update.
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[13 Jun 2006|12:24am]
so my grandmother and my parents and i live all in the same apartment complex.

and i was walking back to my apartment from my grandmothers just now, because she too is a dweller of the night.

and there was a guy standing outside the apartment across from mine. and he was drunk. so he started a conversation with me. and we talked for a little, and he was like, 'if you ever wanna chill just come on over and hang out with us. we're cool.'

and i thought about it, and this was the first time i actually like talked to someone i hadn't met through amanda in a really long time.

which is kind of sad.

but i have cool, drunken, 18&19 year old neighbors. so that's cool.
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[12 Jun 2006|04:23pm]
i've got that delicious sleepy feeling and i've had it all damn day.

i love it.

it's fantastic.

i'm patiently waiting for florida. the 20-27. something to kill the same ol same ol of being in vegas. everyone thinks it's so great here and i'll never know why, i fucking hate it.

oh and

this is from the other night

i was bored out of my mind. i'd do more, but my camera is magically missing.

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[11 Jun 2006|12:47am]
i just remembered the time stephy and i went to see panic at the disco at the house of blues.

we got there like six or seven hours early, and went to eat in the actual house of blues dining area because you could get in earlier if you did that. so we're sitting there on loratabs, bored out of our minds and our hands shaking and our minds going crazy, so we decide to draw a different moustache on each of our fingers. so we each had like five interchangable moustaches. and our waiter came over while we were doing it, and he got a kick out of it, so he started doing it too.

i don't know why i thought of that. but i did.

in other news, i found my ticket from the first ever panic at the disco show. in alternative press like last month they tried to say panics first concert was in september of last year, but i have the ticket right here and it was actually august 12. a friday.

i remember amanda driving us up there and thinking that they were going to suck, because she had only heard the songs that i'd had her listen to, and though she liked them, she thought that they couldn't be that good live.

oh, how wrong she was proven. i donno. it's weird. i am so proud of these boys who come from the town i've lived in since i was eight years old. they proved me wrong, vegas isn't as much of a wasteland as i think it is most of the time.
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[06 Jun 2006|07:46pm]
when i was thirteen years old
i had a girlfriend. i used to tell everyone her name was aimee, because it hurt after the whole ordeal, actually saying her name.
it was jamie.

she was fourteen. her mom was really against gays and lesbians and everything, and we were really careful with what we did. even though it was only kissing and cuddling.

one day her mom found out about us. she walked in, coming home early from work, and jamie and i were on the couch kissing. she started screaming her head off about how she was going to send jamie away to live with her father or her aunt, no daughter of hers would be a lesbian.

the next morning i went by to say my final goodbyes to jamie. she had exactly a week before she was going to be shipped off, but i knew that her mom would be off after that one day for at least two days, and then jamie would be busy packing, and i was horrible at those last minute goodbyes anyway. so i got to her house and let myself in with the key she'd given me in secret three months earlier. when i got to her room, she wasn't in it, so i went to her bathroom, thinking that she must be doing her makeup or washing her face, seeing as it was only about eight in the morning. but instead, there she was. in the tub with her wrists slit, dead.

i didn't cry. i didn't want to be weak. i didn't let myself get close to anyone for a long time after that.
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[05 Jun 2006|10:29pm]
but honestly this time.

next month i'm probably moving into amanda's house. we talked about it tonight, and she's going to talk about it with her mom asap. amanda was here tonight as i got into a fight with my mom. she didn't want to give me the money she owes me because she's a cunty bitch.

and she keeps rubbing that i'm living with them in my face because i had wanted to move out.

well, she was the one that told me she wanted me to stay, and that this way i could focus on what i want to do with my life a little more.

instead, i am just focusing on how much she hates me and how much she downtalks me.

i hate her. i know that's a terrible thing to say, considering she's my mom and everything, but i do. i can't stand seeing her everyday. or even every other day.

she should've thought about it a little more when she figured out she was pregnant with me. i mean, at seventeen, no one is ready to have a baby. especially considering she knew that my dad wasn't going to stick around.


i'm sick of her. and my family. and everyone pretty much.

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[04 Jun 2006|12:54am]
i miss freshman year.

and i miss summer vacation, going to laguna beach and listenting to yellowcards cd "ocean avenue" the whole car trip there. to this day, when i listen to that cd, i think of walking down the beach TO ocean avenue. sneaking off at midnight after my parents had gone to bed and just walking. taking a walk barefoot in the sand.

i want to live there. not laguna beach. but in that moment forever.

going back even further, i miss when it was me and my mom. playing barbies together, getting them dressed and doing their hair.

i even miss when her and my stepdad first got together and we still lived back east. our weekend trips to jersey. going to the boardwalk. i want that back.
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[03 Jun 2006|12:41am]
have you ever loved someone so much and you can't be with them and it physically hurts? like all that bullshit, you know your heart isn't what you love someone with. it's been proven or whatever. well then why does it hurt so fucking much right in your chest where your heart is when you feel. and i'm not even saying when you feel bad. because sometimes i love so much and so hard that i feel it in my chest and it hurts a little bit.

but with her, it's different. it's the kind of hurt that tells me it doesn't work. 2+7=/=20.

and it's right there in my chest beating away. and every single day i think about her, for one reason or another. when someone brings up brokeback mountain, i remember how she called me when she got out of the movie theatre crying.

i remember conversations that we had, and how much i just wanted to be something other than depressed for her. how i was seriously thinking that maybe prozac was a good option because i was so sick of her hearing about how fucking sad and upset i was with the world.

and i re-read, and re-read, and re-read the message she sent me. 'i mean it when i say i love you. i wouldn't say it otherwise.' it hurts because i don't think she'd say anything like that now.

i dont know. can someone help me fall out of love, please? it's so goddamned hard.
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[01 Jun 2006|03:02pm]
tomorrow night
jillians for the youinseries record release show, i already have my ticket, plus cute guy from mall will be there because he helps out fletch and they are playing too. lame-os. seriously, fletch sucks. but youinseries is good so. it makes up for it i guess.

then it's audie's birthday, so i guess we're all supposed to go over his place and get drunk and high or whatever. i'm kind of worn out on drinking though, i think i should give my liver a break. plus i smoked an entire pack yesterday, so i think i should just not go so i don't feel tempted to smoke some pot. my lungs would probably bleed.

i am thinking about quitting smoking. i almost did for this one person, once. but uh, shit happened and i went right back to it. i think i almost need a bad habit to keep me sane, it's part of my ocd or something.

20-27 florida. that's going to be fucking insanely awesome, i get to see my aunt who is like a third mother to me. and my little cousin zack, who is like thirteen now and feels the need to ask me what bands i'm listening to so he can be cool and listen to them too. not that i'm complaining, because i think it's really cute in a way.

um last night, audreys house, took the bus across town to get there, it was a two hour affair. got there and spent the night, she got a new kitten, we went and got her first tattoo, and then we went out and got drunk. i asked the artist if she'd be okay to be drunk, cause i know you're not supposed to get inked when you are drinking, but i had no idea about immediately after. he said she'd most likely be fine. so yeah, we got drunk, chilled at her house, passed out at about four in the morning, her mom woke me up at like ten thirty because she was bringing me home on her way to work.

she dropped me off at starbucks because that's kind of my second addiction right there. hello, caramel frap. you are my lover forever. sucked that shit down and stopped at the smoke shop for cigs, got two packs just in case, came home and got my brother so i could watch him and chill with him for a couple hours. we watched sky high, and then i came into my room, put some music on, and cleaned. and now i am still in said room, sitting at the computer and not planning on moving until i decide that i need a cig or some sleep. or maybe food. but i ate cheese fries at the orleans last night WHICH OMG I TOTALLY FORGOT THAT PART.

we go to the orleans kind of drunk, go pee, go to get some cheese fries. this guy that i met once, chopper, is sitting there with his friends. and he obviously remembers me, and i obviously remember him, but neither of us say anything. amanda calls me, and she's who i met him through, and i kind of whisper into the phone that he's right there and she tells me to put him on. i am drunk, it's kind of awkward, but i give him the phone. he remembered my name. i don't know why that was weird to me, but it was.

and then, as we're leaving, and i am considerably MORE drunk than when we got there, i am on the phone yelling at this guy alex because he was pissing me off really bad, and this kid goes, "shut up, maggie." and i was like FUCKTHEWHAT and i turn around and its this kid james that was the teachers assistant in my web design class like two years ago. that he remembered my name also freaked me out. i mean sure, i remembered his name, but he is considerably cute and always wears bowling shoes. how do you not remember that?

i'm done rambling. promise.
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[29 May 2006|07:57pm]

i bought empire records on dvd

and it is the special fan remix edition

and there arent just deleted scenes that you can choose to watch

the whole movie is like one big deleted scene.

because i have been watching empire records since i was like ten, at least.

and let me tell you, partner, i started watching the one i just bought


but really i love this movie. it's probably my favorite ever.

i mean rly. after deb shaves her head and her and gina are talking?

"you get smarter the shorter your skirt gets."
"and you get smarter the shorter your hair gets, so it's a good thing you went with that."

and then after they're told they're being turned into a music town, and gina and deb are standing together and the registers and reading the new rules and shit.

debs like, "we're screwed. at least you're used to it."

BECAUSE HELLO GINA IS A SLUT. rofl ok im done.
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eighteen! [17 May 2006|02:48pm]
so. birthday. my modem was all fucked up so i couldnt get online to update this so everyone would know i am now offically eighteen years of age.

i went and got my nails done, so now i look all older and whatnot. :] and uhm. what else? we had my little party thing with my family, and then i went out with amanda and vance and we went to the sunset station, because that's really close to where i live now, and we went to the bowling thingy. but i didn't bowl. neither did amanda or vance. but desiree and jimmy and these two other people met us there and they did. and we all got drunk, except amanda, because she had to drive me home and then herself home.

anyway. eighteenth birthday pictures. there are only five because i was drunk and forgot to take pictures most of the night, and half of the ones i did take look fucking stupid. :]

picturessss. click.Collapse )
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how do you dream when you can't fall asleep [13 May 2006|08:16pm]
so i moved. and it is pretty awesome. i got the computer in my room by agreeing to pay the bill for the cable modem. $30 a month. and amanda is supposed to be getting me a sidekick for my birthday, which is monday (tyvm). there's another $60 a month.

i'm being all adult like and worrying about bills. it's creepy.


yeah, monday. my birthday. i guess it's going to be cool. i really have no idea what's going on, besides the fact that first thing monday morning i'm walking to the smoke shop that's like right around the corner and buying my very first pack of smokes for myself. i probably won't even have smoked all the ones i have left right now. i have... 13. i haven't been smoking so much lately. probably because of work, 'cause i can only smoke when there's no customers around and when i don't have anything else to do, like clean up tables or sweep or whatever.

i like being a waitress for the most part.

sheesh, what is wrong with me?

imma post pictures of my new room ASAP.
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